Some people are jealous of creativity.
It’s a vibe I can feel on people.
It’s something you know.
I’m growing out of cloaking my creativity as a device to “help” others. This is just one of the lies that I thought I needed to uphold to survive.
“Let your light so shine before men that they may seen your good (art) works and glorify your father which is in heaven”
But I want to posit a very important idea: I’m not actually better at creativity than others, not strictly speaking.
And there’s lots of creativity out there that comes from a different place than mine.
For instance, some creativity is performative.
Some is to ….
earn self worth.
fit in.
stand out.
belong.
build a false power identity and then dominate others with it.
I actually used my creativity to support many of these ends once upon a time. Especially in false belonging and earning self worth.
But then I couldn’t do it anymore.
All that lost its sizzle.
I want to posit another idea: That people should not be jealous of creativity but rather of MY GRIEF
That every creative idea that anyone has ever seen come from Zia has come through deep processing of grief, fear, pain, loss, longing, and even violent anger.
That I’m actually better at trans mutating grief, shame, fear, pain into creativity than most other people.
And so, in some kind of weird way, instead of being jealous of my creativity, everyone should rather be jealous of the amount of grief I’ve had to transmute to arrive at creativity.
Or the number of times I’ve had to choose not to sit inside of grief, shame, fear, and pain in the hidden moments to arrive at the place of creativity in the long run.
Or the amount of courage it took to choose to love myself when others were choosing something besides reciprocal relationship.
Or even worse, when others wanted me to not love myself.
Or even more incredible, when they wanted to hold the gavel and be the judge and jury on how I feel about myself at any given time.
Blank check. No holds barred. Usually because of resentment, jealousy, self rejection. Ouch.
Or the number of times I chose not to be numb, not to run away from my own truth, not to mask, not to hide, not to act like everything was ok when it wasn't.
Sounds crazy right?!
But, I’m actually quite serious about this.
I sincerely believe this is something anyone can learn and should, as a basic life skill.
Especially if you tend toward jealousy — just a form of poverty.
Jealousy is the natural result of not following the desires of your heart, usually due to people pleasing.
Envy is even worse, but still just poverty that holds a lot of information about your desires and what you’re capable of if you stop blindly following it and rather started learning from it. What? Learn from envy?!!! Absolutely. If you don’t act on it, it’s simply an emotion that can serve as a valuable data trail for discovering your purpose and identity.
It’s who you are in putrid form trying to destroy good stuff for others rather than build your own. Ha!
So take notes on your envy! It’s a great teacher.
Wanting to destroy those who have a vibrancy you don’t have never did anyone any good.
If you resent other people’s creativity and simultaneously remain frozen in your own patterns, consider learning how to transmute grief in a big way.
We would all be better off for it. You especially. Us if we know you.
Consider feeling your own feelings instead of projecting onto “those who should help you”.
Consider asking where your judgment of “what they should do” comes from.
Ask Holy Spirit why you’ve concluded that “someone else owes you something they are not giving and that’s why you’re stuck.”
That’s a story you tell yourself to keep you from feeling your original grief.
Your grief at not having parents who love you the way you needed it.
Of not having support when you needed it at 5 years old.
Of being lonely and having that ignored as a teen.
The list goes on and on.
Start by feeling that. Deeply. Until you’re done.
It may take many days. Weeks. Waves. Months of waves.
Btw, it’s not good for your current loved ones, friends or coaches to give you extended compassion or help on the outside beyond what you have extended internally to yourself.
You would just rebuff them with projected self hatred.
That’s how it works.
They can only help you do what you are already willing to take on for yourself.
It’s actually self abuse for people to help you where you are not available in parallel to also help yourself.
9/10 times, maybe 10/10 all this pain comes from an ungrieved and unexpressed childhood wound that you’ve yet to act in the opposite spirit of. That you’re unwilling to walk through the intricacies of.
Because this kind of old wounding is intricate and probably mostly unseen by you.
You think it’s your circumstances.
The world is against me!
Why am I in so much pain?
Gawwwwd. ;-)
Somebody DO SOMETHING.
Nope.
Maybe you’ve even prayed and prayed through it.
Maybe even UNCORKgenius prayers.
But have you felt it?
Have you received the opposite spirit of that thing?
And then have you acted into expressing that thing in the opposite way of the past?
Have you created a memorial in the opposite spirit of the old thing?
Have you claimed the new ground with opposite action and attitude?
Have you done this day in and day out, all while processing the deep grief as it comes up.
Have you built an altar that stands in protest to the old reality?
And you guessed it!
Often claiming that new ground in the opposite spirit takes CREATIVITY and courage 🔥AND self compassion.
It feels terrible.
But it can feel good too.
There are also flashes of great relief.
And unimaginable triumph, joy, even love.
It does often feel terrible.
Make no mistake.
And this is where you go gentle on yourself.
Don’t go gentle on the lies.
That’s not where you give yourself a pass.
No.
It’s where you’ve faced your grief.
It’s where you’ve relived it and you’ve taken some steps of faith to feel it and transmute it — to walk in the opposite spirit.
That’s where you take a luscious nap to reward yourself after you’re done.
Eat some cake.
Give yourself a celebration dinner.
Make hot tea.
Sit in the sun.
Roll in the grass.
Play with your dog.
Get a dog if you can.
Play with your friend’s dog if you don’t have a dog.
Stop hating people who are happy with their dogs.
Because it’s here is where you’re doing the work.
And the doing of it transforms you into a different person.
I will say this:
The path toward trans mutating grief into creative empowerment is ruthlessly, consistently and compassionately truth telling to YOURSELF.
Who cares what I think of you. Seriously. You honestly don’t even care anyway.
How do I know? Because I have learned my lesson showering love on people who could only spit back hatred because they hate themselves,
AND can only disrespect anyone who loves them more than they love themselves.
I had to stop doing that.
It’s bad for my health and yours, if anyone wants to know the outcome.
Anyway. tell the truth to yourself.
Learn to love yourself. It’s hard.
It may be the hardest thing you ever learn to do.
Ask me how I know …
Its here that you lose people pleasing, the fear of (wo)man, being terrified of what harm people can bring to your reality and realize the tangible power (gravity) of self love.
“The fear of (wo)man will prove to be a snare” Pv
And then you start to memorialize it. And then celebrate 🙌🏼 it. Also, your soul knows what’s true.
Nobody needs to tell you.
Also, other people are probably tired of your BS, i.e. they don’t believe you even though they may coddle you and support your non growth to protect their own comfort. You probably forced them into this if they wanted to keep relationship with you. Although it’s probably eroding the energy and self esteem of you both.
It causes them pain if they love you.
Because you are hella annoying when you lie to yourself and to those closest to you.
This is the first lie we can safely stop telling ourselves — that our lies do not affect those closest to us.
For instance, if we believe in grace on paper but hate ourselves in practice, the people around us generally reflect that back to us, especially those who have a hard time with lies >>> For instance, teens, kids, young adults, the spiritually sensitive.
Self judgment absolutely corrupts every relationship and makes us the hardest to deal with, especially to the people who actually love us.
As for those who don’t want the best for us — those people will build a whole world with us on lies and even watch us setting ourselves on fire and not say a word.
So, if you hide from that angry hidden grief that you’re storing in your body and soul, you’ll be sick, depressed, resentful, and enraged with no one to tell. Especially if the people around you have good boundaries and aren’t interested in absorbing your bad relationship to yourself.
And of course you’re lying to yourself the most. More than anyone else. You’ll also probably ruin your relationships with those lies.
But you’ll probably ruin other relationships with authenticity when you start to go the other way. And part of you knows that too.
We always lose the people who aren’t aligned with our chosen frequency. 🔥
We can either lose the good ones or the toxic ones.
I had to come to the point that I was willing to lose anyone over losing myself. So choose wisely on that one.
Ask the Holy Spirit today: What am I lying about that’s keeping me from processing my grief?
If you’d like to take a season to process this, get moving in your body, learn about the nervous system with God and make cool creative handmade stuff (drawing/painting/baskets/etc), join us for the
We will meet twice weekly — once per week to MOVE and once per week to MAKE STUFF on a theme. Of course we will always pray.
This will culminate in an in-person popup gallery show in San Diego for people to showcase what they’ve made and tell the transformative story of what lies they got rid of to make it most authentically.
You don’t have to attend the live events to participate in the mastermind.
You may ship and show your work without being present, but we would love to have you attend everything.
Here’s the link to sign up or to inquire for more information:
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